I never wanted to live the life that drinking and using afforded me – I always wanted to live my vision of a successful life by being emotionally, financially and physically available to myself and my family and to live up to my potential, but I could never get there AND drink at the same time. I lived a life of inner-conflict because I was morally and emotionally in a continual tug-of-war with myself. I was not whom I chose to show to the world, to myself or to my family. I was better than that, I knew it, I just couldn’t get there by running away, drinking and using.
I’ve always known, and never had any problem admitting that I am “powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable” – but I thought I could work with that. I knew there was a way that I could drink and live my vision of a successful life – all I needed was a better car, more money in the bank, more exercise, a better job, cooler friends, nicer clothes, a new romantic relationship, a new place to live – just “that something” that would make me feel better about myself so I didn’t have to destroy myself with alcohol was out there, I knew it, and all I had to do was find it, hit the restart button and then everything would be perfect.
It wasn’t until one day I was lying in bed with empty liquor and wine bottles lining the wall filled with urine (due to heavy isolation) that it occurred to me I had been in that place more than a few times in my life and that I was beaten – not powerless, I already knew that – I WAS BEAT. I had a premise, an absolute belief that I could find a way to drink and have everything I’d ever want that I had finally proven false.
Admitting defeat is the first brick in my recovery process and it has saved my life; There is something out there that no matter how much heart, soul, mind, body, sheer will or determination I put into it– I will always lose.
When I was in my first inpatient rehabilitation facility, a friend of mine in recovery wrote in my journal as we parted ways, what he wrote has stuck with me to this day and I reflect upon it often –
“Stay sober, that way people will know the truth about Brandt.”
I’ve realized that I can’t just take the alcohol or substance out of myself, my roadblocks then get thrown away and I magically become the person I’ve always wanted to be, but I strive to put practical tools to use that I have learned in my recovery and I have started taking steps towards building a person and a life I can be proud of.
It is time to stop avoiding what is really going on inside my soul and body by way of drinking and using, and put real work into repairing myself.
The founding of River Sober Living is very personal to me. I have had a long recovery process as many an alcoholic and/or drug addict tends to have. I lived in over 10 different sober living houses during my chaotic existence, and it is that experience that I am reflecting upon as a model of what has helped me and others I know, gain and sustain sobriety.
River Sober Living in Boise, ID. is setting the bar high for Idaho state approved "Staffed, Safe and Sober Houses". River will empower sober-residents to take control of their lives by providing them with a prideful, safe, and healthy sober-living environment. We strive to supply avenues that foster personal growth by providing opportunities for volunteerism, recreation, hobbyists activities and professional and life-skill development.